The Concert
I went to AC/DC concert last night and what an experience that was trying to get through. Not only was i used to being able to get hammered after this 14 hour long period around people, but i was doing things that 90% of most people drink for. The whole ride down i was thinking of ways i could sneak away to get some during the show or to bring back so i could fall asleep when i got home. Every single thing about yesterday made me want to drink and its really all i thought about. Then i would go down the rabbit hole of how broken i am and how i fucked up the last ten years and then it would just spiral. I think i paid attention to half the concert, the other half i was so far in my head trying to convince myself to go off and slug 3 or 4 pounders real quick while also trying to counter those arguments to stay sober. From everyone tailgating with beers, to walking past a bunch of open air bars with everyone drinking, just to get to a stadium with beer sold at every turn and people bringing them right to you trying to get you to buy beer.
I knew full well it would be fucking misery to be in an atmosphere like that with barely a month of sobriety. Making the decision to put yourself in a situation like that is what causes folks with years of sobriety to relapse, and thats why the number one rule is to NOT go to places where the vast majority of people are drinking and alcohol is not only unavoidable, but pushed to you. I am not sure if yesterday set me back or helped. I know i can white knuckle it if i have to but i havent been until yesterday. I feel like it set me way back for some reason, now the craving is wayy worse than its been in weeks.
In the time i wasnt in the battle with myself to drink or not drink, i was looking at everyone else who was enjoying their one or two drinks and wondering what was broken in me that i couldnt do that and would never be able to do that. Then i just felt terrible about myself, so id think about getting beers and the cycle would start over.
Having said all of this, i would make the same decision again in a heartbeat. Part of this process is being selfless at times and doing things for others, not for yourself. Knowing how bad mom and dad wanted to see that band with zac and i, there was no way i was going to stay home, and seeing how appreciative they were for having us there was amazing. It sucks that they might read this but being honest with those closest to you is also a big reason i started doing this and told them about it, so that i dont have to just keep all this shit in my head.
I am not going back to proof read this as i want it as raw as possible for when i read it tomorrow, so mom and dad, if you read this, it probably sounds bad but i really really appreciated having that experience with you guys and wouldnt trade it for the world. Its certainly an experience i will never forget. Thank you for again for everything you do.